mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
