So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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