Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
