Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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