On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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