So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
