Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Randomize
