I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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