I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
