It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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