ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
