Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
