So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
