U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
