we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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