He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
We smell like vodka and hangover
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