I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
