Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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