I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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