i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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