I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
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He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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