I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
