Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I bet he comes in French.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
This house was built for laser tag.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
