woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
