i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
