So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
someone owes me an orgasm
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize