You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Randomize
