i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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