Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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