Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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