Your dad touched me again.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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