when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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