I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
