Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
