My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
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