I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
This is my gift to your gina
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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