best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
whose parrot is this?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
