no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
