Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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