Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
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