We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
