Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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