I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
