My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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