The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I have feelings that need drinking.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
