and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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