seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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