i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You need a sexual gate keeper
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
