i need an iv and a liver transplant
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
