I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
