I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
