Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
