I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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