its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
